Domestic Violent ( Slavery at home )

Domestic Violent

As a teacher who is considered as a happy woman, I had students and friends who came  telling  their problems.  As the one who is trusted, I gave them my opinion, and suggestions. All of them told me this, “ I did all you asked me to do, and it worked. Thank you very much” I always happy to hear that good news.

No one knows I totally lived in pain since I was a bride in September 1996.  My husband never showed me his smile, he was a real bad temper man. Sometimes he got mad on anything I did that I asked to my self what was wrong with it. I asked my sons and my housemaid my fault but they said I didn’t do anything bad at all. It happened almost everyday.

My husband wanted me to do everything with my own hands even I had someone who helped me.   I cooked very early in the morning, it was  about 4:30 am,  I left for working at 5:00 am , it took 1.5 hours by commercial bus,  and I was home at 3:45 pm. I always came on time except when I had meeting with teachers.  When I was away from home, he always texted me three times a day asking “where are you, what are you doing, with whom you there?”  He monitored me so much. But in 2006 I moved to the this school, it’s only five minutes from home still he texted me three times a day.

My maid  took a very good care of my sons and she  waited for me in front of my house every afternoon, she prepared a glass of hot tea and did a massage on my legs or my back  when I came home. She loved me so much. But my husband always treated her bad. Got mad with no reason.  After he did it to my maid then he did it to me, he treated me like his maid. After more than a year, she left me because of him. It happened three times.  I decided not to have housemaid no more.  It has been 10 years but it’s OK with me. I did everything  without complaining.  I cooked,  laundering, ironing, house keeping, caring kids , caring husband who never value me and going to work. Sometimes 24 hours in a day is not enough for me to do all those works.

When I got pregnant my second child he asked me this while pointing my stomach, “Whose baby is that?”.  I was so surprised but tried to calm myself down and gave no answer. I didn’t want to argue with him, useless. He did it three times. I even remember the place; at my mom’s twice and at my home once. I cried inside, it  was so painful. I pray every night, I want God showed me the truth. Until one day I gave birth in 2002, the midwife and the doctor said, “He looks like his father.”  I was so happy to hear that.

I don’t know why he was never satisfied making me cry.  One night, he treated me very bad, I was home alone, scared so much, then I texted my first  son who was still at my mom’s,  asked him to go home, “Please go home, papa is getting mad” Only in 10 minutes both of them came. And my sisters also called me, “ is it OK we stay a night at yours?” Crying I said, “yes, sure” In 10 minutes they all came with their kids. This was the FIRST time my sons and sisters  saw my tears after more than 18 years my marriage.

I went up stairs with them. My little son (12 years) cried. He was so mad with his dad who loves him and said, “I can be worse than him” I cried to see him depressed. This was the situation I was worried about.  My kids saw him many times treated me bad, and now they said they have to protect me from his father.

Next morning I left my house. I asked my dad (who visited me to see what was going on at my house) to bring my suitcase because I don’t want anyone in my society to  see me leave that house.  I really don’t want to live with him, I married a wrong man. I hate him so bad. I have never felt like this before. It was 18 years  I kept my pain myself. And now I have teenagers kids who already know the good and the bad. They do not allow me to live with him.

He texted me many times asking me to go home. I never sent my reply. I blocked him on my whatsapp, and facebook. I really don’t want to see him. He is the one I hate most. But still I let him staying at my house, the house which I bought a year before our marriage. I don’t like arguing about it,  all I need is “peace”

I was not young when I got married.  29 years was mature enough. I am a working woman, I traveled a lot, I met many people and  I prepared myselft  to accept anything would happen in my marriage. I promised to myself  not to talk about money, and I also would let him remarry if he needed it, all I want was his smile. I told him hundred times  to value me. But he never did it.

It’s common in my society having abusive relationship. Sexual abuse, physical abuse and mental abuse. I didn’t have physical abuse but I was mentally abused.  It really made me sick. I could be crazy if I didn’t leave him. It was getting worse and worse. I used to be a real patient one. I could stay 18 years with him in that condition. I kept my pain myself. No one knows about it. Only people who were staying with me at my house know it well. They said “How could you stay with that man for such a long time?” I had my own reason for this. I should wait for my kids grow up well that finally they would respect my decision, “Leaving him” And it came earlier than my plan.

By having this real bad experience, I have a strong thinking that “Man never respect woman, man never value woman, Man slaves woman, Man doesn’t have what woman needs that is “smile” ”  

I used internet especially facebook to talk to people from some countries. I have white and black friends.  White friends are people I have ever met but not for  the black. I chatted with a singer “King Tappa”  I asked about his song “Domestic Violent” it’s about abusive relationship.  That I use the title here.  I didn’t tell him that I had this experience, but he said, “Most community has an abusive center. It's always good to let someone know about it. That's how you start. If there  is not community center  then create a group. Create support group. You can also Google it. There are many ways to go about it. I do not have all the answers but I hope this helps. Don't keep it to your self”  

For me it’s a great idea. I can’t tell it to anyone here but I can write it here.

I don’t need to talk about it with friends because they will not give me any solutions, it’s me and only me who know what to do. I just want to say thanks to Tappa who always has time to listen. I am happy to know a man who has a good heart, at least he treats his wife well. I told to my sons about it too, “At least I have two daughters in law will be treated good”  I also keep campaigning in my class to live on love, No bullying and respect the difference.